SAS shock axing: Stars dumped off show
Two of SAS Australia's celebrity drawcards are mercilessly culled from the show on Tuesday and dumped like the putrid toilet bucket that exploded all over them just days ago.
Firass Dirani and Candice Warner are just the latest victims of reality TV. It's a story as old as time. Or, more accurately, it's a story as old as off-brand Instagram teeth whitening lasers.
You sign up thinking the appearance will reinvigorate your career and get you back on top. Weeks later, you're humiliated on national television and sucked dry of every scandalous detail in your life.
Then, you're suddenly voted off a show you didn't even realise you could be voted off of. And what are you left with? Countless memes and GIFs depicting your worst on-air moments.
"It was a great experience," they cry while forcing a smile - lying to us but mainly themselves about the unnecessary torture they've endured.
We're sad to see Candice and Firass go - but for very different reasons. Candice has proven herself physically and mentally and she has been tormented on-air about that toilet tryst scandal a million times. Give the woman a break and just let her hang around.
And Firass? We don't want to say goodbye to him either but only because we were kinda hoping he'd continue to annoy everyone and they'd all have to perform a second intervention. But, right before he's axed tonight, we're treated to Firass doing the most Firass thing. Well, there are several things. More on that soon.
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The soldiers declare they will cull celebrities by night's end. They say it's because many of the stars don't deserve to be here, but really it's just because the finale is days away and producers thought more of them would've dropped off by now.
So we're left with no choice but to drown the celebrities one-by-one and see who survives. Firass is more frightened than anyone else. Of course he has found a way to maintain his movie star hairstyle by using just dirt and spit. Salon results for a fraction of the price! And now we're ruining it with an attempted drowning. He's spewin'.
Before the celebrities are allowed out of the ice hole, their focus is tested with random technical questions. Honey Badger's requires the most concentration.
"Who's the best-looking man you've ever set eyes on?" the soldier screams.
"Sean Connery, staff!" Honey Badger yells back, not even missing a beat.
It honestly feels like we just got an intimate glimpse into his soul.
The soldiers target Candice and Firass for not drowning good enough.
"She's not pushing herself at all. She's flat lining. After the ice dip, she doesn't wanna be here," they growl.
Jeez, Candice, we thought you said you were an IronWoman. We're revoking your medals.
"He consumes all of his energy on being a tw*t," one soldier spits.
This insult's not as imaginative as the time they called him a "midget blue-fisted f**kin' freak show", but it cuts to the core of the problem with Firass.
In the final challenge where the celebs are forced to drag a bunch of heavy crap up a hill, Firass starts getting Very Serious Actor on us again. We love when he gets Very Serious Actor because he just starts saying ridiculous things in an earnest voice and we're almost embarrassed to even witness it.
"I'm a bit of a masochist," he squints into the camera. "I love pain. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like I exist."
Firass and Candice don't finish dead last but the soldiers are hellbent on culling them and so they do. As the celebrities prepare to hear the verdict, Firass goes and does the most Firass thing ever.
Everything Firass does just has to be carried out with a little bit of a flourish - an extra touch of pizzazz just to stand out from the pack. It's probably something he picked up from being a Very Serious Actor.
So he's preparing to head off to the mass culling and he doesn't realise the camera is on him and this is when we see him squeezing a scrap of orange rind onto the nape of his neck as a makeshift perfume.
Of course Firass - who has been living in jail conditions and using a hole in the ground as a toilet - has found a way to bring a touch of Hollywood glam to the squalor.
Anyway, the soldiers don't care about his DIY perfumery skills and promptly dump him from the show along with Candice.
"Worst decision I've ever heard of," he grumbles as he packs up his bag.
And for the first time, we agree with him. This is the worst decision. Who's going to annoy all the other celebrities for our own personal entertainment now? The only remaining celebrities are weird sports people.
We'll miss you, midget blue-fisted f**kin' freak show.
Originally published as SAS shock axing: Stars dumped off show