Big contradiction of Marie Kondo
Marie Kondo is a well-organised contradiction.
When she's not tip toeing softly around strangers' homes, origami-ing their underwear and telling them to throw out all their books, she's releasing books of her own that in turn clutter-up her devotees newly-decluttered spaces.
You're an evil genius, Kondo.
It seems like everyone's a fan of the 34-year-old Japanese tidying guru. The year kicked off with the world transfixed by her Netflix show Tidying Up, where she glides around America and meets very messy couples who are breathless with excuses as to why their home is filled with so much crap.
She listens patiently - crouching delicately on her knees - and shows an unmatchable amount of tolerance to the homeowners' noisy children.
She's like a more streamlined Mary Poppins, but without all the overcoats and umbrellas and carpet-handbags because that's just clutter.
Then she whispers to her translator, chucks out a bunch of rubbish and artistically folds the rest. Suddenly the house is clean and everyone's crying with joy.
Fans everywhere are trying to execute Kondo's teachings in their own homes. They can't get enough of it. Except when it comes to books.
Kondo's theory on books has caused quite the stir, with the guru encouraging clients to chuck out a bunch of the dust-collectors. Nerds everywhere were outraged and acted as if Kondo had just calmly origami-ed a stack of first editions and set them on fire.
Across the globe, more than four million copies have sold of her own tome The Life- Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Some local bookstores are currently sold out of copies.
Kondo's bible on how to rid your life of clutter is itself becoming clutter on coffee tables and bookshelves around the world.
In countless homes, it's probably shoved between copies of The Secret and The Catcher In The Rye - all three books sharing one similarity in that they were never read to completion by the homeowner and are now just what they were always destined to be: clutter.
Kondo-mania is clearly a corporate pyramid scheme. The more books about organisation she releases, the more clutter her devotees bring into their homes. Then, following KonMari law, they purge and throw everything out - including their saviour's books.
Ah, serenity. But it's fleeting.
Suddenly Kmart releases more junk in rose gold and Aldi starts selling an ugly chair and all of a sudden devotees' homes are cluttered again. What to do? They need to repurchase Kondo's bible. It's a dangerous cycle.
Trying to get your home to look like a hotel room is an impossible task so stop trying. It's like hoping to achieve the elusive "inbox zero". The second you've achieved it, an avalanche of crud tips down around you and you've got to start again.
No one has time to origami their clothes and jigsaw them together in the drawer of a Danish sideboard.
Clothes live in three areas: the drying rack, the washing basket, or the random chair in the corner of your room. The latter location is for brand new clothes you've only worn once but they're hand wash only and no one has time to hand wash so on that random chair they will remain - never to be worn again.
I know many people who have tried and failed the KonMari way of life. Some stopped midway. Others got to the bagging stage and now have crap piled up either at their front door or in the boot of their car. Like the hand wash only clothes on the random bedroom chair, these bags of miscellaneous junk will not reach another destination.
The lack of success these friends and colleagues have had is unsurprising. They - like their homes - are all complete messes and they're never going to change.
And neither are you. So stop origami-ing your T-shirts immediately.
A COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF ANNOYANCES
Only three weeks into the new year and there's already so much to be irritated by.
Like co-workers who keep enthusiastically asking everyone, "So how was your Chrissie?!"
Or Bird Box memes that I think I understand but can't say for certain I do because I couldn't be bothered watching the movie.
"The gap between each person isn't even and the desk is too small," one viewer huffed on the show's Facebook page, minutes into Monday's debut. Too right.
Weird gaps wouldn't happen on Sunrise. Kochie, Sam and Nat would have a fit if they went to air unevenly spaced. It would be humiliating.
Some of you may roll your eyes at the nitpicking and, I agree, it's a trivial thing to be annoyed at. But nit picking is fun and the more trivial the annoyance the better it is. So either pick a nit or turn the page.
Weird spacing aside, we're also annoyed at Gillette razors. Wait. Are we annoyed at them? The company was in the headlines this week thanks to an edgy new commercial. Maybe we're annoyed at the people who didn't like the ad. I don't know. A lot of online opinion pieces were written about it by people who always have a lot of opinions on these kinds of things and I didn't read any of them.
We're also agitated by the #10YearChallenge everyone's spamming us with on Instagram. No one cares that you used to have frosted tips and an eyebrow ring.
The purpose of the challenge isn't really clear, but more people should follow in the footsteps of everyone's favourite Real Housewife Lisa Rinna.
"I'm not doing that 10 year challenge. I looked f**king great in 2009 and I look even better now," she posted.
TODAY'S MEGA-CASH-A-ROO TRIPS OVER
It's one thing after another on the Today show. First the debut of their revamped panel was ruined by weird spacing, and then there was an alleged glitch with the Mega-Cash-a-Roo Giveaway.
Who could've predicted a glitch would occur in a competition called the Mega-Cash-a-Roo Giveaway? This never would've happened if Karl was there.
A Today viewer has spoken of her distress after she claims technical difficulties saw her miss out on the show's $40,000 cash giveaway.
Mackay-based Jenny Baker says she answered her phone within three rings and screamed, "I wake up with Today!" down the line, as per the game's rules. It should've won her the $40,000.
But she was met with silence. And on-air, the hosts and viewers heard nothing, which meant Nine couldn't give her a dime. Damn Ts&Cs.
Obviously there needs to be some changes to the Mega-Cash-a-Roo Giveaway. Phones are unreliable. Instead, dunk Georgie in a vat of glue and then get Deb Knight to blast a cash canon at her. Whatever money sticks is what the home viewer gets to keep.
This is the only solution.
Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir