Tracey’s secret sexts exposed
THERE are three things in life that are for sure: Taxes. Death. And Tracey being blime-fibe-eb at every turn.
In Wednesday night's finale of Married At First Sight, Tracey is tortured repeatedly with a succession of revelations that shock even the experts. The biggest bombshell? Tracey and Dean have been sending tasteful nudes to each other - even though Tracey is now in a relationship with Sean.
But what makes a nude tasteful, I hear you ask. In my opinion, it's a nude that has been taken in a tidy bedroom rather than in a bathroom with the toilet in the background.
It always perplexes me when guys don't seem to understand that having a toilet featuring prominently in their nudie pics isn't sexy. And it's particularly insulting when you've gone to the effort of basically art directing your own nudes like they're going to be printed in Vanity Fair.
Anyway, a sexting scandal is a tremendous way to finish the series. But it gets better.
In perhaps the cruellest moment we've seen on this show, Tracey is shown the secret footage of the sordid affair that went on behind her back - complete with Dean's low blow about her looks.
It's like when the secret tapes of the Stefanovic brothers got leaked this week only this time I didn't have to pose as an Uber driver to secure the recordings.
For the final instalment of this two-month mess, all the loons are wrangled into a warehouse and made to sit on a couple of Fantastic Furniture couches in front of the experts.
Suddenly, John Aiken gives Mel Schilling the signal and she busts into the warehouse and wheels a giant flatscreen television into the middle of the room. Dr Trisha jumps up and hits the lights.
At first, it seems like a wasted opportunity because we sit around watching all the boring weddings again.
We're looking forward to several moments being exposed tonight. Firstly, Troy and Carly dry humping on someone's kitchen cabinets.
If you missed it, we were promised by NW magazine this week that we'd see footage tonight of Troy and Carly dry-humping on some random's kitchen counter. And honestly, it's a let down. I hate that I can't even trust a weekly tabloid magazine anymore.
Yes, we're shown footage of Troy and Carly dry-humping NEAR some kitchen cabinets - but not ON them. I was secretly hoping they had broken into Tracey's apartment and dry-humped on her kitchen cabinets and then she walked out in a nightgown and screamed, "Are you fubbing kibbing me?!" It's all very disappointing.
Ashley's still annoyed about the whole Troy and Carly situation. Even though she dumped Troy, she still feels like she has ownership rights and I totally get that. Nothing's more infuriating then when you're dating a completely clueless guy and you teach him how to dress better and show him how to wash his sheets and explain to him the importance of face cleanser only to have things end and watch him go off with some other bitch who reaps the benefits of all your hard work.
It's unfair and I've totally been there. Sometimes I get so angry thinking about it I feel like calling the new boyfriend of one of my exes and screaming: "When I first met him he was washing his face with SHAMPOO!" Like Demi Lovato, my work has been brutally unrecognised.
When Charlene and Pat are called up, I take a break and start eating a brownie. They've been super boring throughout the entire series and I don't anticipate they'll do anything of interest tonight. After all, it seems the most compelling thing to happen to Charlene since we last saw her is she's started wearing a headscarf.
But then Charlene reveals something that makes me put down my brownie immediately.
"We haven't seen each other since we left the experiment," she says to gasps from the experts.
She says after two weeks of silence they sent some texts back and forth but that's it. They promise to try harder and the experts say they're excited for them but we all know they're never talking again once they leave this warehouse.
Changing gears to something better, Davina, Dean, Tracey and Ryan are invited up to the couch. It's so delicious Tracey licks her lips.
The experts have thoughtfully edited Dean and Davina's secret affair into a succinct time-lapsed video package. They strap Tracey to the couch and make her watch it as some form of torture.
In the video, we relive the secret meeting Dean and Davina had at that dinner party where they hatched a plan to leave their partners for each other. We see the nuzzling. The groping.
And then, in perhaps the cruellest moment we've witnessed on Married At First Sight, Tracey is shown the footage of her former husband making the lowest blow.
"No offence to Tracey, but her looks are not her best quality," he tells Davina about his wife.
Tracey's offended. Mainly because she's paid a lot of money to have her looks be her best quality. Or, at the very least, have her looks be in her top three best qualities.
"I don't want my looks to be my best quality!" Tracey yells at Dean and Davina.
Adding insult to injury, Dean does an impression of Tracey licking her lips.
But Tracey isn't done. She's still determined to teach Davina the error of her ways. Turning to the woman who caused her so much pain, she spits: "You have no morals and no value!"
The crowd goes wild. Everyone claps and starts whooping like it's Ricki Lake. Mel Schilling even flips a chair.
Nasser's so shocked his pharmacy glasses almost fall off.
But let's not forget about Ryan. He wants a piece of the action and is all worked up to have a go at his former wife Davina. Look, I love Ryan and he's so cute and super sweet but he's not great with words. It's like watching an adorable child who doesn't know a lot of words yet try and argue.
Mel Schilling starts crapping on about something called "micro-cheating" and I've never heard this term before but I think it's just when you tell your boyfriend you're going to wait to watch the new series of Grace & Frankie together but then you stay home sick from work one day to binge it by yourself so you don't have to hear his annoying observations.
We send Davina and Ryan back to the group, but we're not done with Tracey and Dean. Remember how we were all confused about the text message argument Dean had with Tracey's new boyfriend Sean last night? Sean said Tracey had told Dean to stop texting. But Dean said Tracey had never said that. And then we saw Tracey tell both boys different things. It's confusing, yes, but keep up.
Well, Tracey isn't as tricky as she thinks and Mel Schilling launches an investigation. She threatens to steal Sean's hair bleach and he sings like a well-groomed bird.
"[Dean was] sexting Tracey," he reveals. "I thought it was disrespectful."
"Did you ever say it was disrespectful, Tracey?" he asks his former wife.
She can't believe her story is unravelling. So she tries to quickly put the fire out by pretending to be the bigger person.
"I was trying to keep things am-im-able," she says, and I whisper to the room, "She means 'amicable'."
"Yes, I did let a few inappropriate texts slide," she continues. "I shared how upset I was with Sean. And maybe I should've communicated that with Dean - and I did about some texts, and not about others."
But that's not the whole story. We look to Mel Schilling to play some salacious footage but she's all out of tape. The experts stare at each other. And then Dean reveals something that could ruin his ex-wife's blossoming new relationship.
"You sent me very inappropriate messages," he says quietly. "You sent me pictures of you in your underwear. You sent me photos of you in your bedroom. Going, 'Oh Sean's gonna love this outfit'."
Dean's sick of being the bad guy. He's done being slandered and hated. He's not the only bad guy on this show and he wants people to know it.
"We'll have to agree to disagree," Tracey replies softly.
Who's right? Who's wrong? And does it even matter? We all get hacked in the end.
There are three things in life that are for sure: Taxes. Death. And having your tasteful nudes blown completely out of context by jilted ex-boyfriends and future employers.
For more observations on headscarves and tasteful nudes, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir