Follow me to a resolution-free New Year
I'M probably going to disappoint a lot of people today.
Even more than usual, I would suggest.
Because with just hours remaining until the end of another year, I reckon a lot of you will be looking to me for guidance with your New Year's resolutions.
And I've got nothing.
That's the problem with a being a guru to the masses - people have such high expectations and tend to get their noses out of joint when you fail to deliver.
Sure, there's a few tried-and-trusted resolutions I could fall back on, such as losing a few kilos or doing more exercise.
But if you're a bit overweight or start panting as soon as you walk up a few stairs, you don't need a swami to tell you there's some life changes needed.
The same with smoking. I gave it away years ago and so should you - but you already know that.
World peace? There's not much I can do there.
Be nicer to people? Yeah right!
And if you think I'm going to give up bourbon, you obviously don't know me very well.
Out of sheer desperation to please you (and continue being your guiding light), I scoured the internet for ideas.
Can you believe some of the rubbish people are resolving to do?
Meet more people; make more money; get more sleep; read more books; write poetry.
Good lord! I despair at what's become of the world.
Even "I promise to learn a musical instrument” is rubbish.
If I had any desire to learn an instrument - or had even the slightest natural ability - I would have already done it.
About the only resolution I could find that seemed half-decent was by some bloke named James Agate, a leading British theatre critic of last century, who apparently vowed to "tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time”.
I think there's a little something in that for everyone, don't you?
Actually, I do have a New Year's resolution.
While I've been bashing out this little gem of a column, someone mentioned that Debbie Reynolds had died - just hours after her daughter Carrie Fisher.
You can add her to the list that includes George Michael, David Bowie, Zsa Zsa Gabor and so many others this year.
So that's made my choice of New Year's resolution easy.
I vow to spend 2017 working hard to ensure I never get so famous that I am ever be swept off this mortal coil in a wave of celebrity deaths.
Happy New Year.