Easter Bunny keeping one hop ahead of coronavirus
Q&A with the Easter Bunny:
Peter Gardiner: "Firstly Mr Bunny, how should I address you?
Easter Bunny: "The Big E is fine, it's the name I use on my latest Hip Hop release the Easter egg Rap.
PG: "Big E, we've been getting disturbing reports that you're going to have to cancel Easter this year and self-isolate on account of the COVID-19 restrictions."
BE: "It's not going to happen. For a start Mrs Bunny don't like me hanging about the house. She gets hopping mad when I get too frisky when I'm cooped up. She has a strict no bunny funny business rule, otherwise the burrow would be hopping with lots more Big E offspring than we already have."
PG: "I can't see how you can possibly deliver all those eggs to every home without the cops arresting you for social distancing violations?"
BE: "Hey, that might have happened to the Tooth Fairy but I'm a hop, step and jump ahead of those flat-footers. Anyway, she has lousy hygiene practises. Besides I got a personally signed letter from ScoMo saying that my egg deliveries are an essential service. He's a devout believer in me."
PG: "Surely you've got to take special precautions?"
BE: "Yeah, yeah, I know the drill. No more than 15 minutes face-to-face, the egg nests from the little kiddies have to be at least 1.5m part, the carrots left out have to be handwashed and the kids can sleep no more than two to a room. I get it, we can make this work, I've been hoarding paw sanitiser like the rest of you."
PG: "What about Easter egg hunts? Surely they're a coronavirus minefield?"
BE: "It depends, you have to have hunting parties of no more than two and I'm sprinkling them little choc googy eggs plenty far apart to keep us in the clear. If worst comes to worst, we have a virtual egg hunt, but personally for me that would be a sad day. I'd feel like I'd laid a lame online egg, instead of having delivered the goods."
PG: "Have you ever seen anything like this before in your life, such a threat to just going about your business?"
BE: "Hey you're looking at the guy who never tripped up during the Black Plague, but boy, that flea collar I had to wear to stop the nasty plague suckers biting me was damn uncomfortable. I breezed through the Spanish Flu, but don't get me started on that myxomatosis scare in your Aussie Outback, back in the day. And if that wasn't bad enough you then had another crack at me with your calicivirus. Talk about ingrates, I tell you there are a lot of CSIRO research scientists who have not had Easter eggs ever since."
PG: "Well, Big E, you certainly seem to have your job cut out for you, we wish you the best of luck."
Big E: "Thanks I'll be careful, and you don't seem like such a bad egg yourself. Hey, look it's not all bad. I get to use all the toilet paper in the world thanks to my overnight stopovers … the last thing the kiddies would want is to get up on Easter Sunday and find their bedroom floor covered in rabbit droppings."